


because there really isn't a word for everything

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-02
Updated: 2009-12-02
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:12:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Three episodes in and it's obvious where this is headed.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	because there really isn't a word for everything

i say that i won't touch you, but my fingers are liars. i tell you how i won't hold you, but my arms are going to hell.  
i promise i won't kiss you, but my lips break it. i let you know that i won't love you, but my heart has no conscience.  
and no part of me will apologise.

\-- _pleasefindthis_

 

 

 

This is how it begins:

Sitting outside Mountview in the car with their mum, Megan watches as Kat comes out the front doors surrounded by her usual group of friends. She takes forever to say goodbye to them all, as usual, and it's then that, with an impatient sigh, Megan turns and spots a girl coming down the front steps, hands shoved into her pockets, headphones in; Meg almost mistakes her for a boy for a moment, with her brown hair cropped short and wearing an oversized jumper. The girl gives Kathryn's group a wide berth, with only the slightest of nods when one of them turns and says something to her.

She passes in front of their car, completely oblivious to anything but the music she's listening to.

"Who's that girl?" Megan asks, a few days later, when she and Kat are lazing about the house on a dreary Sunday afternoon with nothing to do but coursework. "She goes to drama lessons with you -- tall, short brown hair."

Kathryn shrugs, flipping through the channels on the telly. "Oh," she says after a moment, remembering. "That's Lily."

"Oh," Megan says, curiosity temporarily sated, and turns back down to her issue of _Heat_.

 

;;

 

On stage, after two curtain calls, Kathryn, grinning ridiculously, as if she's just been awarded an Oscar or something, turns to Lily and pulls her into an embrace.

It lasts just a bit too long. Megan can see Kat's fingers gripping the fabric of Lily's top, can see Kat's hair between Lily's fingers, the black colour too strong against the paleness of Lily's skin.

And then it ends; they break apart, turn away.

Later, Megan will see Lily standing over a corner, holding a bottle of water and talking to a woman who Meg assumes must be her mum. As Kat's going on and on about hard the performance was -- and she missed a line near the intermission, did anyone notice? -- Meg watches Lily, thinks about going up and striking up a conversation -- _I'm Meg, Kat's sister_ , because she's never just herself, always just an extension of Kathryn -- but in the end decides not to.

There'd be no use in it anyway, she thinks, even as Lily looks across the room and, for the briefest of moments, catches her eye.

 

;;

 

Lily is part of the cast.

Of _course_ she is, Meg thinks, half-amazed and half-annoyed at the sheer impossibility of it all, because Kathryn will just not shut up about it, like it's fucking fate that they all ended up here together. Meg is logical enough to conclude that it only makes sense: there are only so many acting twins in Bristol in their age group and Lily's a decent enough actress, from what Meg remembers. It makes sense, odd as it is.

Still, on the train back to London, Kathryn asleep on her shoulder with her music on full blast, Meg can't help but think about how Lily looked, finally having been able to meet her and see her up-close; her eyes were a remarkable pale sort of blue that Meg can't recall ever seeing before. And her palm against Megan's when they introduced themselves, the way Lily's eyes darted over to Kat even as they shook hands.

(Well of course, she knew Kathryn from before. It's only natural.)

 

;;

 

Three episodes in and it's obvious where this is headed.

Kathryn's surprisingly nonchalant about the whole thing; it only makes Megan worry more.

 

;;

 

They get off their tits together at home and it feels just like when they were back in secondary school, when they used to sneak wine out of their parents' liquor cabinet and get totally pissed in their bedroom when they were left home alone. Kathryn passes Megan the bottle and rummages around in her dresser drawer until she's found a lighter and a crumbled pack of cigarettes.

She lights two, passes one over to Meg and they both inhale at the same time, sucking in their breath and exhaling with a sigh a moment later. Megan flops down on Kathryn's bed and stares up at the bookshelf above her head, with all those books facing the wrong way out and rolled up posters that Kat hasn't bothered to hang up yet.

And because, once they're pissed they both let down their guards, Meg asks, "What's it like kissing Lily?"

"Oh, you know what it's like to kiss girls," Kathryn giggles, stubbing her fag out in the ashtray on the floor before reaching for the bottle of wine.

"Yes, but, it can't possibly be the same, can it," Megan wonders out loud, toying with the edge of Kat's pillowcase. "Surely it can't be."

"No, you're right," Kathryn says, and she seems to sober up some in that instant. Meg glances over in her direction, watches the corners of Kat's mouth turn down; her mouth twitches, like she's trying to find the right words and can't. "It _is_ different," Kat says finally, staring down at her hands. "But I can't explain how."

"It's fine," Megan shrugs, snatching the wine back. "I was just curious."

"Why?" Kathryn asks, after a time, when Megan's all but fallen asleep, the wine and warmth of Kat's bed making her feel exhausted.

"I just am. Was," Megan sighs, doesn't open her eyes.

 

;;

 

This is how it is:

Kathryn and Lily are not together.  
   
Megan knows her sister well enough, however, to know that Kathryn wishes they _were_ together; she can see, sometimes, the way Kat watches Lily, the way sometimes her hand lingers a little too long on Lily's, when they reach for the same thing at the same time, how Kathryn licks her lips before she leans in to kiss Lily, the faint blush across her cheeks when they break apart.  
   
Megan wonders if Lily knows.  
   
If Lily's aware of it, she's awfully good at ignoring it, Meg thinks, and watches as Kathryn leans over and lights Lily's fag for her, hand cupped around the end to shield the flame from the strong, cold wind. Lily smiles and murmurs a "Thanks," and they all lean on the balcony railing outside their hotel room, smoking.  
   
"Today was eventful," Megan says, after a bit, because she doesn't like long silences. "I can't remember ever being that busy in my entire life."  
   
"It was worth it though, don't you think," Lily says, tapping her cigarette with one long, slender finger.  
   
"Maybe for you two. At least you got a happy ending."  
   
Kathryn says, "Katie'll get a happy ending. I'm sure of it."  
   
Megan shrugs, takes a half-hearted drag of her cigarette before flicking the rest away. "We'll find out in a year, won't we?"  
 

;;  
 

In the clubs, Kathryn is reckless.

She presses up against Lily, drunkenly, laughs when Lily indulges her, slipping an arm around Kathryn's waist, leaning in just close enough so that their lips are almost touching, not quite. They always break apart after this, Kat grinning stupidly and Lily dissolving into a fit of giggles, but Meg, sitting in a booth and watching them, knows the truth. She can see the way Kathryn wistfully glances over a moment later, when Lily's got her back turned, the way her smile falters just a bit each and every time Lily pulls away. Lily, of course, is oblivious to it all; Megan reckons that's how these things are meant to go.

When Lily flops down into the booth beside her, Megan says, "Kathryn likes you a lot, you know."

"Kat's sweet," Lily smiles before stealing Megan's half-drunk pint of Strongbow and finishes it off entirely.

(Megan doesn't complain.)

Lily says goodbye that evening, when they part at a street corner, heading off in opposite directions, and pulls them both into a hug, as if they aren't going to be seeing each other again in three day's time. Kathryn visibly stiffens at the contact; all Megan can think about is the warmth radiating off Lily's body, and how she smells like smoke and rum and citrus-scented body splash.

Kathryn watches Lily walk away. Megan, hands shoved into her pockets, doesn't.

(That's how these things are meant to go.)  
 

;;

 

This is when it changes:  
   
Standing outside a club, freezing their arses off to have a smoke, Megan says, "Kat's always liked you the best, you know."

"Yeah," Lily says, "I know," and her face clouds over some. And then, swaying, she confesses, "We had a moment once. She kissed me in the dressing room after we finished filming my episode. I kissed her back."

It hurts more than it should, though Megan thinks that it shouldn't hurt at _all_. But there it is, the pain the cuts right through and across her heart, real and insistent. She doesn't know why it's there or where it came from, but when she opens her mouth, the only thing she can say is simply, "Oh."

Kathryn comes outside a moment later, taking uneasy steps towards the curb and announcing that she wants to go home. Megan sighs and flicks away her fag, glancing over at Lily, embarrassed, almost, at the way Kathryn's always like this. It doesn't help that when Kat spots Lily her mouth widens into a smile and she reaches out, grabs Lily's hand in her own.

(Megan is nearly certain Lily stiffens at the touch.)

"Hey there Kitty Kat," Lily says quietly, offering Kat up an easy smile, and just like that they've slipped back into their roles; Kat with Lily and Megan trailing behind them both, the odd one out, hands shoved into the pockets of her coat.

 

;;

 

Four days later, they're in the toilets of a club, stumbling over each other to get to the mirror to check their makeup, more than a little pissed. Megan can't help but to watch Lily, as she dabs at her lips, wiping away smudged lipstick, can't help but wonder what would happen if she were to grab Lily and press her up against the wall and kiss her, just to see what it'd be like.

(She doesn't. Lily leaves first, with a wink and a smile in Meg's direction.)

"I kind of love her, you know," Kat sighs later that evening, when they're sitting in the back of a taxi on the way back to their hotel room and just beginning to sober up.

"Yeah," Megan says, looking out the window. "I know."

 

;;

 

It happens unexpectedly -- which is, of course, expected.

Lily comes over one evening when it's just her and Meg staying over the weekend for filming, when Kat's gone home to revise for an exam to take on Monday. Lily brings a bottle of wine with her and they end up drinking it straight from the bottle, because Megan can't be arsed to wash any of the cups she's got in her hotel room and Lily didn't bring any with her.

"Proper fucking classy," Lily calls them, when they've drunk nearly two-thirds of the bottle and are fairly off their faces at this point. Megan nearly falls off the bed from laughing too hard, but Lily's hand shoots forward and catches her arm, pulling her back up.

Lily's hand lingers on her arm even after Meg stops laughing. She thinks that maybe she should do or say something, but Lily's just staring at her, one hand on Meg's arm, the other on the wine bottle, and she's looking at Megan like it's the first time she's ever looked at her properly before. As if she hadn't quite seen Megan until this very instance.

"Oh," Megan says, very, very quietly, because there's nothing else to say. "Oh," and then she's leaning forward and pressing her lips against Lily, because Lily's just _staring_ at her and Meg just has to _know_ \-- has to know what it is that Kathryn likes about Lily, has to know what it's like to kiss Lily, has to know how Lily will even _react_.

It's hesitant at first, the way Lily pushes back into the kiss. But then she leans forward a moment later and properly kisses Meg back, and it's not what Megan had anticipated at all, but it's much too nice for her to pull away. And as it works out, they don't pull away at all, not that night. Lily drops the wine bottle off to the bed and somewhere in the back of her mind Megan thinks that she'll get charged for having to have the carpet cleaned, but she's in a haze from Lily's hands sliding around her neck and through her hair, moving in ever closer.

(In the morning, stepping into a puddle of wine, she'll regret this.)

She's only done this once before -- with a girl, that is -- but everything comes flooding back to her the instant Lily presses her back down on the bed, her tank top riding up around her midriff. She remembers the way to move, where to kiss, when to quicken the movements of her fingers. And Lily twists and sighs under her and Meg can't recall ever seeing something so lovely before.

"Brilliant," Lily mumbles against Megan's shoulder and the pillow, some time later. She reaches for Meg's hand, brings it up to her lips and kisses her wrist, her palm. "Fucking brilliant."

 

;;

 

They don't talk about it.

Megan wakes up the next morning to find Lily gone. She forces herself not to feel upset about it, even as her heart sinks to her stomach. It isn't right, anyway, to feel badly about being left alone like this, when Lily's not even hers to begin with. She's not Kat's either, but that's beside the point; Kathryn's in _love_ , and Megan -- well, she doesn't know what she is, but it isn't the same thing. She had been curious, that was all. There'd been so much talk, about Kat and Lily and Emily and Naomi and just for once she wanted to try something different.

She wanted not to be Katie, just once.

 

;;

 

Lily slips out during break; Megan sees her outside with Kathryn later, sharing a fag, standing too close together for their own good. She feels her heart knot up and goes off to find Pass, because she really fucking needs a laugh right now. But even later, on the train home, iPod on and headphones in, all she can think about is Kat and Lily, the way Kat's hand had slipped beneath the table during the script read-through that afternoon and found Lily's, threading their fingers together.

(Everything was so easy, with Kathryn. Getting the part, getting the girl.)

It didn't seem right.

 

;;

 

One day she passes the dressing room and they're just _there_ , sat on the couch, scripts lying on the floor forgotten. Kathryn's fingers are tracing slow, small circles just above Lily's knee, and it's too fucking much.

She feels like she's going to be sick. A part of her feels like crying, but she just can't seem to get the tears to come. Instead, she fucks off outside, to where the sun's too bright and the wind is too cold; she stays out there until Kaya comes looking for her and tells her it's time to pick up rehearsing again, they've only got a couple of hours left today.

   
;;

 

Lily doesn't understand. Megan wasn't -- _isn't_ \-- expecting her to, but it's still frustrating nonetheless. She doesn't understand that this isn't something that can just be done and forgotten about. She doesn't understand what's it's like to lie in bed and think of that night. She doesn't understand how it _feels_.

(Or maybe she does and that's the whole problem.)  
   
"You need to get over it," Lily says, kicking at the brick wall of the club. "It was just -- I was drunk, okay? I was drunk and I acted like a . . . . I don't know. A slag. It was stupid and it didn't mean anything."  
   
Megan feels tears of anger rising to her eyes; she swipes at them clumsily. "Well, it meant something to _me_ ," she says. "So I don't fucking care if like, you want to just pretend it never happened, because it _did_ , and I, I just _can't_ forget about it, okay?"  
   
"I don't give a fuck _what_ you do," Lily snaps back angrily, turning around to face her. "But don't you fucking act as if I _owe_ you something."  
   
"You're a cunt," Meg tells her.  
   
"At least I'm _honest_ ," Lily snaps back, before turning around and heading back towards the club.  
 

;;

 

This is how it ends:

Lily is at their doorstep, asking if she can please talk to Kathryn. Upstairs, Kat closes the door to her bedroom and they don't come down for a good three hours; passing Megan (who's sat on the couch watching an old episode of _Desperate Housewives_ ), Lily flashes Meg a slight smile. Megan pretends not to see the way Lily's lipstick is smudged, or the way her hair isn't quite as neat as it was when she first arrived.

She doesn't even have to ask, when Kathryn comes down a bit later, slumping down on the couch, wearing an old gray hoodie, trying to look sullen, but mostly just looking incredibly pleased with herself. Megan merely sighs and passes the remote over, before heading upstairs to her bedroom and collapsing onto her bed, not feeling the slightest bit tired but feeling the desperate need to sleep anyway.

Things go on like that for some time.

 

;;

 

Megan sometimes wants to ring Lily, wants to say something like, "I haven't forgotten about it, you know," or maybe something a bit more clever and less needy, as it would actually make a difference in the way things are now. Her mobile sits untouched on her dresser and Lily certainly doesn't call, because there's no reason for her to.

She does miss Lily -- hadn't even expected to miss her this _much_ , even though she sees her at least once a week, thanks to Kathryn. When Lily comes over, Megan always excuses herself to go somewhere -- to the kitchen, to her bedroom, to the store, because being around Lily for more than even just those few seconds is too much. But it's for that reason exactly that she misses Lily; she misses the way things used to be, when they could sit next to each other during break or stand outside and share a fag and things would be okay.

A part of her wants Lily to know. A bigger part of her doesn't, because Lily knowing will make things complicated -- not just for her and Megan, but for Kat, too, and that just isn't right, because things are _always_ simple for Kathryn. That's the way they're meant to be.

(It plays out like this: Kathryn and Lily meet and fall in love and Megan watches, on the sidelines, not really a spectator, but not much of an active participant either. She's just _there_ , like always.)

She wonders if Lily ever looks over at her and imagines what would have happened if Kathryn hadn't been there.

 

;;

 

Standing outside the club on their nineteenth birthday, Kathryn passes her fag over to Megan and says, "Sometimes I think I'm just in love with the _idea_ of Lily and not actually Lily herself."

It's shockingly astute, for Kathryn, especially since she's been throwing back tequila shots. But when Meg glances over, Kat's face is dark and serious and she seems to have instantly sobered up by her own words. Megan takes a long drag, exhales with a sigh. She wishes Kat wouldn't say things like this, because it makes things complicated and Megan doesn't quite know what to say to the fact that Kathryn's just told her she's not in love with Lily.

She hands the cigarette back over wordlessly.

"It's not that I don't care about her," Kathryn says, crossing her arms loosely, fag dangling between her fingers.

"No, of course you do," Megan jumps in helpfully."But that's not love, is it?"

Kathryn sighs and shakes her head and Megan takes advantage of the moment to gently pluck the fag from Kathryn's fingers and toss it away, dragging Kat back into the club before she has a chance to say anything else. Inside, Kat pulls away, heads over to where Lily is sitting at a booth waiting for them.

Megan watches Kat slip in beside Lily, watches the way Kathryn nuzzles up against her neck, whispering something in Lily's ear. Lily smirks at whatever it is Kat says, looks up just as Megan is looking away, and for the slightest of moments, their eyes meet. And it's ridiculous, Megan thinks, how her breath hitches like it does.

It just shouldn't happen. Not anymore.

 

;;

 

Lily calls her one day, completely out of the blue, asks if maybe they can go out together somewhere, maybe to get a coffee or whatever.

Sitting in Caffee Nero, Lily says simply, "Kathryn broke up with me."

Megan hates herself for it, but she can't stop the way her heart leaps to her throat. Lily doesn't cry, just stares unhappily into her coffee. All Megan can do is reach across the table and cover Lily's hand with her own. She knows that she should be being comforting right now, but all she can think of is how soft Lily's skin feels against her palm, how she never really noticed how nice Lily's nails were, painted sky blue.

"I'm sorry," she says.

(She isn't.)

"I just thought things would have been better than this," Lily says quietly, after some time. "This isn't what I planned."

"I don't think it's really something you can plan for," Megan says, and Lily's hand shifts in hers, until they're holding hands properly, fingers interlocking. Megan wills herself not to look at their hands together like that; she can't look at Lily's eyes either, though, so instead ends up staring off at the space above Lily's left shoulder.

"Yeah." Lily's coffee sits untouched.

"And I'm still here," Megan says, not meaning it quite the way it comes out, as if she's offering herself up as some sort of consolation prize. She doesn't intend for her tone to be so hopeful -- desperate, even, just a little -- but it comes out sounding like that anyway.

Lily turns and looks at her with brilliant, bright eyes.

"Yeah," she says. "You are."

(This is how it begins.)


End file.
